I think I'm suffering from lack of sunshine. We've had some foggy days as of late. Foggy enough to keep me inside pouting. The area of town I live in seems to have a pocket where the fog settles. I drive to town and the sun might be peaking through. When I get home it's foggy again. At least today there is rain. After about a week of it I think we're all getting a little tired of the gloom. I'm still not able to download pictures to the computer, so this will be a ramble with no photos. I guess that's ok since I'm thinking a lot about me, my life, my faith, my responsibilities, and the stressers these things bring into my life.
Do you ever feel like you're on the outside looking in? Sometimes I feel like I'm looking down on my life and how I handle things. Sometimes I wonder if I was being graded, what grade I would get? Scary thing, really. I guess my only saving grace is people don't know what is in my head and how I feel, so I'm sure much of my anxiety is my own, and goes unnoticed.
I know I should be able to lean on my faith during these times, but since this area is a struggle for me, I tend to rely on myself instead of him. I try to remind myself to focus on him and lift more up to him, but I feel like I'm on my own with this since I fight a losing battle in my house. Chris doesn't believe, and since there is no "I" in "team", I attempt to bring a team together with no team in place. Make sense? I see others who build their families and have the excitement and fulfillment of a Christian home, but I don't have that. I pretty much have to force the kids to go to church, as they'd rather stay home with Dad. Let your kids know that they need to pick a partner with the same faith. At 21 years old, I thought him being on the fence wasn't a big deal. It turned out to be a big deal. That old hindsight thing...
Don't get me wrong. I love my husband and respect his decisions, as he does mine. I think the major difference is, I let things go to Him, (after mulling it over and figuring out I can't do anything about it), and Chris tends to lift his stresses to me. What? Yup, I realized that when someone doesn't have a savior to lift things up to the stress tends to break them down over time. It's sad, really. I always thought I was put in Chris's life to help him find Christ. There is a story behind this, but not something I want to get into right now. What I can't figure out is how to balance life with Christ, and a life with Chris and my family. It would be easier to just forget the whole thing, but I try to remember that my walk is my own. The difficulty is knowing that I need to show my kids how to "walk" as well. Whew! Enough about that.
Let's see. What else is bugging me? My body image. Hey, it's the beginning of the year. You had to expect this one. I've decided the 30's are a time to come to terms with things and recognize that genetics are in play. I have crows feet coming on no matter how much crap I put on my skin. It's what my skin is. My best friend Marcy and I always joke that if we combine the two of us we'd have a pretty good woman. My legs, her flat stomach, my arms, her hair, and now I'm adding her skin. She's got no wrinkles under her eyes. We're still looking for boobs though, so if someone is interested in jumping in, let us know! I am coming to terms with the fact that I will never be slim. That's a tough one for me as I was slim for about 2 years. I killed myself working out 2 1/2 hours a day, but I found I wasn't there for my kids, and didn't put a lot of things in the correct priority. Now I'm NOT thin, and although things are in better order, I feel like I look flabby and gross. I'm also seeing that life throws a lot of double-edged swords. Balance is a hard thing! I am the type that healthy bits exercise don't do crap for me. Yes, I am healthier, but smaller? No. My body is a due or die type. SO, I have come to terms with genetics, and age, and am not just trying to be happy with what I've been given while getting in exercise when I can, even though I feel like I'd rather be selfish with my time. The older I get, the more I realize that I take too much time worrying about keeping my anxiety at bay. I get nervous about everything! Driving to the mall--where am I going to park? Towing my 5th wheel---will I be able to get into the gas station with it? How come I can't be more patient with my kids? I'm teaching them how to treat their kids! Why can't I just sit and play with them more? Am I doing the right things? Feeding them the right foods? Giving them enough love? I'm not a huggy, positive, lovy person. I tend to be sarcastic, impatient, and quick to react. Now you see why I wonder about what grade I'd be given! Maybe that's why I like animals so much. I don't worry about what grade they give me. I think I always feel this way after the holidays. The whole visit with family thing stresses me out. I enjoy seeing everyone. I like visiting. I think the problem is after I tend to look at my life more and pick myself apart.
One other thing that is bothering me is thinking about losing people that are so important in my life. My best friend's sister was just diagnosed with breast cancer. This scared the crap out of me since their mom also had breast cancer. It made me realize how much I rely on her friendship and how lost I'd be if she wasn't in my life. I don't really have that many friends. I have acquaintances, co-workers, family, but I'm kind of a loner. Always have been. I guess it made me realize how many areas of our lives we put in one basket. Being married to one person, trying to put everything I am into my kids, having one good friend, kind of makes me feel vulnerable if something was to happen to any of them. At the same time that is what makes me feel safe. I'm not a social butterfly. I'd like to be and to have lots of friends that I get together with, go out to dinner with, do parties with, but I've figured out it just isn't me. I've given up on that even though I envy those that do those things. I think my personality is such that I spend all my time worrying about what they think about me, and not about the fact that they might just enjoy ME. Sad, right? Silly. Okay, enough rainy attitude.
Did I ever mention I love driving in the rain? I love the swish of the windshield wipers, pushing the rain off the glass and the tires splashing through the puddles...feels like a little world of my own. I also love waking up to the smell of coffee. I LOVE-LOVE-LOVE orchids, but the orchids don't care for my treatment of them. I can keep Africa Violets with no problem. If I had my way I'd live in a house with an atrium you had to walk through to get to the front door. It would be filled with plants. I could spend hours in the greenhouse at Eisley's. I've always wanted to have a coffee shop-bookstore-nursery that people could hang out in. Wouldn't that be cool?
2 comments:
Wow. that's a lot. I think the relationship with God is very personal and just because someone doesn't go to church doesn't mean that their are not spiritial. I also think that the church needs to wake up and find a connection with the younger members of their church -- find a way to engage them.
Have you read the left behind series? Great read -- makes you think about where you are in your faith.
Balance -- boy could I go on and on about this. I'll only say that you hit the nail on the head. "what are my actions teaching my children" I think that they need to see a few important things (1) self love (2) empathy (3) respect (4) family values (5) strong work ethic and as parents we need to continually be aware that we teach through our actions as much as through our words and they are watching.
Think sunshine :)
Lots of love to you, Patty. This was heavy... but that's how I've been feeling lately, too. A bit on the deep side. Terry makes some good points.
Hang in there for your faith. It's worth it!! I know it's not an easy road. You are a good person/mom/wife. xoxo!
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